Tasuki and the TV
by Seiko
Summary: Just fixin' a few mistakes :) COMP! What happens when Tasuki gets a hold of the remote? Pure fun for the reader but hell for the bandit :)
1. The Magical Box

Disclaimer: I do not own Fushigi Yugi, don't sue because I'm out of cash right now…sigh…

How does the TV get channels while in ancient China? Hmmm good question. But then again the Universe of the Four Gods is a magical book so I guess it's due to magic…yeah that sounds good. Enjoy!

Tasuki and the TV

"Good morning minna!" Miaka said cheerfully as she waltzed into the sitting room where the Suzaku seven were enjoying a lazy afternoon. 

"Oi, whatcha got there?" Tasuki asked as he noticed the priestess carrying something small and black. Miaka grinned and set the mysterious object on a nearby table.

"It's something from my world that I brought along with me."

Tamahome's eyes suddenly glazed over as he thought about all the money he could get for another world object…no wait! Another world object that also belonged to the priestess of Suzaku! He developed a nosebleed at the thought and passed out.

Everyone else ignored Tamahome's antics and crowded around Miaka trying to see what her surprise was. 

"It's a box," Tasuki said disappointed. "A black box."

"Not just any box, one with a mirror!" Hotohori said giddily.

Miaka sighed. "No no no. It's not a mirror box it's a TV!"

"A what?" Asked the group, which included Tamahome now because he had regained consciousness.

"A portable TV. Everyone on my world has one and they are used for entertainment."

"Doesn't look too entertaining to me," grumbled Hotohori disappointed that it wasn't a mirror box. 

"Well, I have to turn it on." Miaka pushed a button and suddenly a colourful image of little bears filled the screen. The senshi gasped in amazement and Chichiri tapped on the screen.

"How do those little creatures stay alive in there no da?"

Miaka shook her head. "There's nothing actually alive in the TV, it's a moving picture about news and stories and whole bunches of stuff."

"Wooowww…" agreed everyone.

"And this controls what you want to see," Miaka said as she held up a smaller black rectangular box. "This is called the remote and you just push one of these buttons and it changes whatever you are watching." She gave a demonstration and the picture changed to show a man sitting at a desk reading something off of a piece of paper.

"Aww change it back to the one before, this is boring," whined Tasuki. 

The group all huddled around the TV for the next hour until Miaka's stomach began to growl and Hotohori announced that it was time for some dinner. Everyone got up to go except for Tasuki who was still enthralled by the magical box.

"Common lug-head, soup's on," Nuriko said to him before picking him up with one arm and slinging the bandit over his shoulder.

"$#!@ hold on! I wasn't done watching it!" ranted Tasuki as he tried to fight the purple haired senshi's grip.

"Actually it's probably good that we stop watching it for now, some people can become addicted and never leave," Miaka warned the others. "Just for safe keeping I'll hide the remote until tomorrow. We can watch some more then."

"I don't wanna! I wanna watch the TV now! Let me go you crossdressing AHHH!…"

Nuriko dusted his hands off as he stared proudly at the outline the bandit had made in the wall. Chichiri sighed and grabbed Tasuki's overcoat and dragged him from the room, following the others to dinner.

---That night---

A lone figure crept slowly down the hallway of the Imperial Palace. His footsteps were silent as he made his way past the kitchens, across the gardens, over a wall, and through a series of doors. Finally he entered the empty sitting room and spotted his prize. The TV sat where it had been but the remote, which controlled it, was gone. Tasuki growled to himself then clapped a hand over his mouth.

_Shit, gotta keep quiet or they'll realize I'm in here. Now where did Miaka hide that remote thingy?_

Tasuki tiptoed over to a closet and peered inside. A broom leaned against one of the walls and a bucket occupied the floor but other than that it was empty. He slid the door shut and continued over to the couch. The silk pillows, which adorned it, were thrown off and the cushions chuckled randomly to the floor. Tasuki felt around but all he pulled out was a few copper coins, most likely ones that had fallen out of Tamahome's pocket earlier that day. He could feel another growl deep in his throat but forced it down as he continued his search. The floor beneath the couch had a few dust bunnies but was bare so Tasuki moved around to its side and began to pull it out from the wall. His foot suddenly slipped behind it and there came a loud crunch. Tasuki looked down and saw the remote, which was now in several pieces beneath his black boot. His clapped his hand over his mouth again as he ran over to the closet, threw open the door, entered, shut the door and cursed until Suzaku himself blushed at the language the senshi was using. When the rant stopped Tasuki came back out and picked up the pieces of the remote. 

_Now how the hell am I gonna watch the TV when this thing is broken and all? I know! I can fix it, all I need it a few pieces of string and maybe a nail or two._

Tasuki went to work on the remote and a half-hour later he held it up in satisfaction. It had gained a few new accessories, such as one of Tasuki's earrings, and looked a bit lumpier but other than that it was in fine shape.

_Now to test this bitch out, _Tasuki thought gleefully. He sat in front of the silent TV and carefully pushed the power button that Miaka had shown them. The remote made a hiss and a crackle and suddenly blue sparks flew everywhere and there came an incredible strong light from the TV. When it dimmed and faded back to black Tasuki was gone.


	2. Lights, cameras, and an audience

Disclaimer: I do not own the Suzaku Seven or their Miko but I do own the TV :)

Bwa ha ha ha, what do I have in store for our friend Tasuki? Well…I'll just say that he's not gonna like it all that much (evil grin).

Tasuki and the TV

"Where the fuck am I?" Tasuki muttered to himself as he carefully stood up in a small black room. He could remember turning on the TV but then a white light had appeared and had blinded him. When the spots had finally cleared from his eyes he found that he wasn't in Konan anymore. The room was narrow with a high ceiling at least forty feet above his head. Nothing furnished the room and the only light came from a small speck in the distance. He scratched his head wondering what the hell he was gonna do now. The small speck seemed like a good place to start so Tasuki began to walk towards it. The pocket of his jacket felt lumpy as he walked indicating that there was something in it. He reached in and pulled out the TV remote that he had fixed after he had crushed it with his boot back at the palace. It still looked the same except that the little lights on it were now lit up and flickering every few moments. 

__

Better hold onto this thing, might come in handy, he thought and replaced it back in his jacket pocket. The speck in the distance grew larger as he approached it and soon he found himself standing in a doorway to another room only this room had bright white walls, ceiling, and floor that crackled with black lines and dots. Across at the other end of the room there was another door and Tasuki, finding that this static was increasingly annoying, headed for it. The next room was smaller than the last two and had coloured bars running lengthwise down it and a hum even more annoying than the static. Tasuki could see some small inscriptions moving across the walls near the floor and bent closer to see what they said.

****

We have lost transmission for this show, please stand by…We have lost transmission for this show, please change channel…

It kept repeating over and over and was confusing Tasuki. 

"What the hell is a transmission?" he grumbled but then noticed the last part of the sentence. "Change the channel? Wha?…Oh! The remote changes channels! Maybe that's what it means!" Tasuki dug the remote out from his pocket and hit a button marked Channel Change.

The barred room immediately disappeared and was replaced by a very large and bright and loud room with a ton of people cheering and clapping. Tasuki found himself sitting right in the center of the crowd and he looked around widely trying to figure out where the hell the remote had taken him. Bright spotlights shone down from above and smaller coloured lights lit up signs along every wall and one that hung down from the ceiling. The floor was slanted downwards and at the bottom of the slant there was a huge stage with a white haired man standing on it. Suddenly a booming voice rang through the room over powering the crowd's yells of excitement.

"YES BOB I DO! SHICHISENSHI TASUKI COME ON DOWN! YOU ARE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!!!!"

The crowd around Tasuki went wild and began clapping him on the shoulder and yelling encouraging things like "congratulations" and "hope you win". Tasuki was about to tell them to go to hell when he suddenly realized that he had stood up and was now on his way down to the stage. His feet and body seemed to move on its own agenda and soon he was standing next to three other people who were placed behind some kind of flashy box. The man on the stage spoke up directing his conversation at Tasuki.

"Congratulations son! Welcome to the Price is Right! Wow, what a loyal fan you are!"

"Huh?" said a very confused Tasuki.

"Rob let's get this young kid's shirt on the camera. Look at that everyone!"

Tasuki glanced down and suddenly noticed that he was wearing different and strange clothing, a pair of blue pants made of weird material and a white short-sleeved shirt that had an inscription across it's front.

"It makes my day when I see that I'm appreciated," continued Bob Barker. "His shirt _says I came all the way from Ancient China to meet Bob_, now isn't that sweet. Okay then let's play The Price is Right!" 

With those words the lights flashed and Bob pointed to a big green door. "Look what we have for you today!" A slim and perky blond came out from the door and pushed before her a strange looking silver object.

"This Bob is the Stereomaster 4000 Boom Box with nine disk changer and three duel cassette holders. Comes with five surround sound speakers and made by the lovely people of Sony Enterprises!" Explained Rob over the speakers. The audience gasped with awe and immediately started yelling out numbers. 

"Okay Tasuki you are the newest contestant so you get the first bid."

"What the *beep* are you talking about?" Tasuki said defensively.

Bob laughed dryly, "You have to guess how much the Boom Box is worth, son."

"What the *beep* is a *beepin'* boom box?!?" he yelled back.

Bob frowned coldly and went over close to Tasuki. He put his hand over the microphone and leaned in close to Tasuki's ear. "Listen kid, just pick a fucking number so we can get on with the fucking show. You got it?" he hissed. Bob went back onto the stage and gave everyone a big toothy smile. "So Tasuki, what do you BID," he said, emphasizing the word.

"F…Five?" Tasuki stuttered.

"There we go folks, five hundred dollars is his bid!" The crowd cheered and the next player took their turn. When it came to the guy next to Tasuki he hesitated.

"Umm, five o' one Bob!"

"Okay last bid is five hundred and one. The person with the closest bid to the actual retail price without going over will get to go on to play The Price is Right! So, the actual price is…" 

Tasuki found himself crossing his fingers for some reason.

"Is….five hundred and five dollars!! The winner is Stanley!" The guy next to Tasuki began jumping up and down excitedly and Tasuki found himself filled with rage.

"You *beep beep beeper* you cheated!!! I would've won that thing you *beep beep*. I'm gonna kick your *beep*!" Tasuki yelled as he grabbed the man by the collar and started shaking him. 

"Stop!! Jesus *beep* Christ will someone get that kid out of here before he ruins my *beepin'* show!!" screamed Barker as he motioned his bouncers to take Tasuki away. Tasuki saw them coming and let go of the man.

"*Beep* this shit, I'm getting the *beep* outta here!" he cursed as he felt for the remote in his pant pockets. He managed to grab it and hit the button just before the bouncers leapt for him, the white light came again and The Price is Right faded into the distance.


	3. Electricity verses Flames

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Fushigi Yugi and all of it's hot male senshi warriors but I do not (damn damn damn!).

Tee hee hee, poor Tasuki didn't win the boom box. Oh well, fewer headaches for his fellow senshi. Oh yeah, the words that are in the [brackets] are the translations. You'll see as you read the story.

Tasuki and the TV

Tasuki opened his eyes to find that the remote had taken him to a sunny part of a forest. The air was calm and white puffy clouds floated lazily by overhead, casting cool shadows on the ground. His first thought was that he was back in Konan in the small group of trees at the one end of the palace but then he noticed that the colours of his surroundings appeared too sharp and bright and had black edging each individual object. _Where the fuck?…_ Tasuki wondered as he slowly took in the weird environment. A fly hovered around his face and he swiped at it with his…paw? His eyes widened in horror as he stared at what once had been his normal human hand but now resembled a cat's paw complete with sharp little claws and fur with stripes. The fur ended at his wrist but his skin had taken on that weird coloration of the surroundings. A whimper lodged in his throat and he scrambled over to a nearby stream that was off to one side of him. He looked into the water at his reflection and balked at what he saw. His face had remained the same except now his fangs had grown longer and could be seen coming down over his lower lip. Two ears adorned his head and were the same colour as his paws. His clothing had remained and he even had his tessen strapped to his back. _Well thank god for the little things. _Tasuki flopped down on the stream bank but yelped in pain as he sat on something. He looked down and saw a striped tail sticking out from his butt. 

"Lekka lekka shien!!!"

…Tasuki clapped his paws over his mouth realizing that what he had meant to say hadn't been what had come out. 

"Lekka…?" [What the…?]

He cleared his throat and tried again.

"Shien ien shien lekka!?!" [Why can't I talk properly!?!] 

Tasuki let out an enraged howl at what was happening to him and ran around in little circles.

"LEKKA!!!" [Fuck!!!]

His fit subdued and he sat back on the sand. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted a weird fish, with a horn coming out of its head, looking at him from the stream. 

"Lek lekka lek?" [What the fuck are you looking at?]

The fish popped its head out of the water.

"Goldeen goldeen goldeen," it replied. 

__

That's it…weird horned fish and tails and shit are a sign to get the fuck out of here. Tasuki thought. He shoved himself up from the ground and reached into his pocket for the remote. It wasn't there. Panic surged through Tasuki and he looked around frantically for it. The remote lay on the other edge of the clearing on top of a rock; most likely it had fallen out of his pocket when he had appeared. Tasuki breathed with relief and started for it but stopped suddenly at the sound of voices.

"So Ash how long until we get to Saffron City?"

"I don't know for the last time. You ask me every five seconds!"

Tasuki turned to see three normal human looking people and a weird mouse creature coming down the forest path. As they got closer he also noticed that the humans were exceedingly tall…or that he was very short. Tasuki growled realizing that he was indeed a foot tall, another _wonderful_ new trait he had acquired. 

The tallest of the three newcomers suddenly noticed Tasuki standing by the stream.

"Hey Ash! Look!" Brock exclaimed excitedly. Misty squealed in delight,

"Oh how cute! It's a Tasukimon!"

"A Tasukimon? Hmm…" Ash muttered as he flipped open his Pokedex.

****

"Tasukimon, the fire pokemon. It has extremely powerful flame attacks that it casts by using its small metal fan and can be found mostly in mountainous areas. It has a weakness for water and stays away from it most of the time," the Pokedex explained. Ash grinned and took out a pokeball from his pocket and Tasuki suddenly had a very bad feeling about what was going to happen. 

"I'm going to capture it!" shouted Ash eagerly. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt attack!"

The little mouse creature gave a happy little "pika" sound and began running towards Tasuki. Halfway there it jumped in the air, concentrated, and a huge volt of lightning appeared from nowhere and crashed at the ground where Tasuki had been standing a moment earlier. 

"LEKKA!!" [SHIT!!]

He ran as the lightning continued to crash down around him and eventually his dodging failing and it struck home. 

"Lek…ka?" said a very singed Tasuki. 

"Good shot Pikachu! Let's finish it off with a thunderwave attack!" shouted Ash, happy at the thought of catching the Tasukimon.

__

Fuck this shit! Growled Tasuki as anger swept through him. He reached over his shoulder and took out his tessen. _Let's hope this shit still works,_ he prayed.

"Watch out Ash! He's using his fire attack!" warned Misty from the sidelines.

"LEKKA SHIEN!!!!" screamed Tasuki and was ecstatic when the incantation worked and huge flames headed right towards the little lightning casting mouse. 

"Pikachu use agility!" commanded Ash. The mouse obeyed and managed to dodge Tasuki's flames.

"Shien!!" [Shit!!]

Pikachu ran straight for Tasuki planning to use his slam attack but Tasuki was not about to give up so easily.

"LEKKA SHIEEENNN!!!" he tried again but this time as he brought down the tessen he plunged it into the ground at his feet. A small flicker of light flashed before a circle of fire surrounded Tasuki and shot outwards in all directions. This time the attack worked and Pikachu, who had run right into it, became a little crisp lightning mouse. It "pika-ed" once before falling over in a faint.

"Shien!" [Alright!] Tasuki said gleefully at the victory. Ash frowned and took a different pokeball from his belt,

"Squirtle I choose you!"

A blue turtle suddenly appeared before Tasuki. 

"Surf attack now!" The turtle hopped happily before calling up waves of water. Tasuki felt the blood drain from his face as he watched the gigantic waves heading right for him. 

"Shhiiiieeeeeeennnnnnn!!!!" he cried as he ran as fast as he could over to where the remote lay. He fumbled around trying to pick it up with his furry paws and just managed to press the channel change button just before the water engulfed him.

*Hopefully you liked this chapter as much as the last two. I wrote this one when I was really tired (I had just gotten home from a very long camping trip). Please review! :) *


	4. Restricted Viewing

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yugi and so on and so on (sigh) You know the drill.

Aww poor Tasuki, having to face water and Pikachu all in one day…but he's not done yet! There are at least a few more places that he has to visit :) Bwa ha ha ha ha (very evil and sinister laugh)

Tasuki and the TV

Tasuki smiled dreamily and snuggled back down under the blankets. He was so warm and comfortable he didn't feel like getting up at all. He cracked open one eye then closed it again and groaned. He still wasn't back home. He stretched beneath the covers then froze as he realized that he was sans clothing. He looked down in horror and sure enough he was as naked as he had been the day he was born. The only thing keeping him modest was the white cover, which he was under. Tasuki sat up carefully and pulled the blankets around his waist, frantically searching the room for his clothing. The room was furnished with a couple of metal chairs, the bed (which he was currently in), a dresser, and a window. The room smelled of alcohol and body odours and had weird tubes and lights set up on one of the walls. A single door was the only exit from the room but Tasuki sure the hell wasn't going anywhere in his present state. 

He was just about to get up and go over to the dresser when the door was thrown open and a blond haired woman entered. She was wearing the shortest white dress Tasuki had ever seen and the top was unbuttoned allowing Tasuki a view of the top of a very large set of breasts. He gulped and pulled the covers tightly around his chin as the woman approached the bed.

"Where…where the fuck am I?" he stammered as he skidded up the bed as far away from her as he could. The woman smiled, flashing her immaculately white and straight teeth and gave him a sultry look.

"My name is nurse Debbie and you're in Dallas hospital, Mr. Tessen."

"My name isn't Mr. Tessen!" Tasuki said defensively. The blonde pouted her blood red lips and casually ran her hands across the open expanse of her cleavage.

"Oh dear, I'm afraid that I've made a mistake," she whimpered as her hand slowly traveled lower. "I'm a bad bad girl and I need to be punished."

Tasuki's eyes grew wide as her other hand slid along the bed covers and began stroking his thigh. He jumped out of the bed, yanking the covers with him. This caused the nurse to tumble forward and land in an erotic position on the bed. She quickly composed herself and resumed stroking her bared skin.

"Well Mr. Tessen?"

"Well what?!? What the hell's wrong with you!?!" Tasuki yelled at her, backing into a courner of the room.

"Don't you want to punish me with that big tessen of yours?" she groaned as her hand disappeared under her skirt. Tasuki balked and pulled the cover over his head, blocking her from his view. _What the fuck is with this psycho? _He had to get out of here before she came at him again. He could see the door on the opposite side of the room and he made a wild run for it. He managed to evade the woman and he threw open the door and almost screamed at what was on the other side. Around twenty other women were standing there totally naked and they all looked up as he appeared. 

"Hi Mr. Tessen! Why don't you come and play with us!" they all giggled which caused each and every set of their monstrous breasts to bounce up and down. Tasuki gave a cry of fear and slammed the door shut only to turn around and see that nurse Debbie and come up behind him. She backed him against the door and pressed herself against him. 

"Get your fucking self off of me!" he cried as he tried to pry off her roaming hands. She licked her lips and moaned.

"Oh Mr. Tessen you make me so hot!"

Tasuki grew furious and picked her up and tossed her back on the bed. She squealed happily as she bounced onto it.

"Yes Mr. Tessen yes!! Do me now!"

Tasuki ran screaming over to the dresser and flung them open. He sobbed with relief upon seeing that his beloved clothes were all there and he frantically began to put them on. He gave a look over to the psycho woman and found that she had lain on her stomach with her ass stuck up in the air.

"I've been a bad girl Mr. Tessen, spank me!" she cried.

"You're a fuckin' psycho!" Tasuki yelled back as he finished dressing. He could feel the remote in his pocket and yanked it out with a successful laugh. 

"I'm outta here!" he cried as he pushed the channel change button. Nothing happened. 

"Wha? Oh no!!" he sobbed. Suddenly the nurse began to chuckle. 

"You need this battery big boy or else it won't work," she said as she held up an AA battery between two fingers. 

"Give that back!!" Tasuki ordered. She smiled,

"Get it back yourself," she retorted before bringing the battery to hang over the cleft between her gigantic breasts. 

__

Uh oh! Shit, I have one chance at this, Tasuki thought as he saw the battery begin to drop, heading right for its prison. His senshi symbol flared as he summoned all of his senshi power of speed for his move. In the blink of an eye he ran over to the nurse, managed to grab the battery halfway during its fall and ran back over to the safety of the dresser. The nurse made a startled cry of surprise at her trick not working and pouted her full lips at him. 

"That wasn't very fair, Mr. Tessen," she whimpered. Tasuki ignored her as he triumphantly put the battery in the remote. The lights flashed on and he was gone.

*Bwa ha ha ha monstrous breasts! Poor poor Tasuki stuck in such a scary (for him) situation. His whole girl hating thing and all…I'm so mean :p Anyway, where it Tasuki off to next? Keep watching to find out! Please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter :)


	5. An Upset Stomach

Disclaimer: I do not own or have rights to any of the TV shows that poor Tasuki has to suffer through, and I don't own Tasuki either (damn damn damn)

Yay! Finally the next channel is up!

Tasuki and the TV

The flash of light slowly faded and Tasuki found himself sitting right next to a flock of sheep in a barn. _What the…am I in the country or some shit?_ He wondered as the sheep regarded him from their pen. Voices off to his right made him turn around and come face to face with three men and a woman.

"Hey Tasuki! Get your butt over here!" one of the men yelled.

"Ahh okay…" He ambled over to where they were sitting, in a circle around a table. He took the only empty seat next to the woman and worried about what he had gotten into this time. One of the men stood up,

"Okay, as you all know you've made it to the second round and a second chance to win the grand prize!"

The other two men and the woman cheered and clapped but Tasuki remained silent, confused at what the guy was talking about.

"What second round?" he asked.

"To the contest Tasuki! Remember? The first round you all managed to jump out of a ten story building and hit the bulls-eye in the net."

"Eh?"

The man frowned at Tasuki in annoyance and turned to the others. "Anyway, as you all know, except for Tasuki, this is the second round where you will either be eliminated or win and go on to the final round."

"Yeah!! Bring it on man!" one of the guys yelled, and he grunted reinforcing his…courage.

__

Ahh fuck it. I'll just go along with whatever the fuck they're talking about. After all, it can't be worse than that psycho nurse I just got away from…god women are weird. 

"Now, I've brought you all to this farm for our next challenge, which is…" Joe said before pulling off the cloth that had been covering the table. "Sheep testicles!"

Tasuki's face fell as four plates, each holding two large gray lumps, came into view. "Umm, what are we having to do with these…things?" he gulped.

Joe laughed. "Why, eat them of course! Whoever manages to gobble theirs down in the ten second time limit gets to go onto the last round."

Tasuki turned three different shades of green upon hearing that. A sheep baa'ed from its pen encouraging another shade of green to surface.

"Why the fuck would I do that?!" Tasuki managed to get out.

"Duh, to win the fifty thousand dollars," explained the woman. 

"Is that money or somethin'?" Tasuki asked confused.

The four stared at him in bewilderment. 

"Of course it's money you dumbass!" one of the guys cried.

"Oh…is it a lot?"

By the looks on their faces Tasuki took their answer as a yes. _Hmm, I eat this shit, I get to win a lot of money…which means I can buy a lot of sake. _At the thought of the drink Tasuki got a dreamy look in his eyes. _Alright! I'll do this! After all, it can't be any worse than Miaka's cooking._

"Count me in!" He told them. Joe nodded and pulled out a die. 

"Each of you gets a roll and the lowest person goes first, then second lowest and so on."

The woman rolled a five, the guy that had called Tasuki a dumbass and was now in for a little tessen action rolled a one, and the other quiet guy rolled a two. Tasuki took a gulp and rolled.

"Yes! A six!" he said, happy that he was the last to go. He wanted to witness how the others went about eating their sheep testicles.

The soon-to-be-crispy guy grunted again and took his plate. He stared down at the round quivering globs. 

"Okay! Let's play Fear Factor!" Joe cried excitedly. "The clock starts…NOW!"

The man held his nose and delicately picked up a testicle. He brought it close to his mouth and began gagging from the stench.

"Oh…man this reeks!" he complained.

"Eight seconds left."

He shoved the sheep testicle into his mouth and his eyes bulged out as he tried to swallow. Tasuki heard the telltale rumbling in the guy's stomach and managed to leap out of the way as the guy threw up all over Joe. 

"Oh…lovely," Joe mumbled before rushing off to a nearby bathroom.

---Ten minutes later and one disqualification…---

Joe returned all fresh in a new set of clothes provided by Fox Television and took his seat. 

"Okay where were we? Oh yes, it was your turn I believe," he said and nodded to the quiet guy. "Clock starts…NOW!"

The guy's face screwed up in a wild grin as he grabbed one of the testicles, "YEAHH I LOVE FEAR FACTOR BABY!!!" he screamed and shoved it into his mouth. 

"Six seconds…"

The guy chewed and swallowed then quickly shoved the other gray lump into his mouth. It followed its twin and the guy gave a loud cheer and threw up his hands into the air. "I am the king!!"

"Congratulations George! You get to go on the last round!" Joe said cheerfully and turned to the woman. "Your turn honey!"

The woman slapped Joe across the face, "Don't you call me honey you pervert!"

Tasuki laughed at the stunned look on the host's face but shut up as the woman threatened him with her hand. 

"I'm gonna win the money and I'll dedicate it to all of my sisters out there! Yeah women rule!"

Tasuki made a face and immediately got slapped.

"Hey!"

"Anyway," interrupted Joe. "Clock starts NOW!"

The woman put her face down to the plate and sucked both testicles into her mouth. Tasuki and Joe's eyes both widened at her…talent. Tasuki moved his chair away from her as he noticed that the expression she had on her face looked much like the one the nurse from the last channel had when asking Tasuki to spank her. The woman chewed slowly and tried swallowing every now and then.

"Three seconds to go!"

"Yeah baby do it!" cried the not-so-quite-anymore guy.

He got a double slap.

There was a crunch of bone or cartilage as the woman gave one last chew then swallowed them completely. "There! Totally gone!" she cried happily, opening her mouth wide and showing everyone.

"Well Tasuki, it's your turn!" they all said together.

Tasuki stared down at his plate. _Sake sake, just think about the sake, _he thought, trying to give himself some confidence. _I wish they weren't so god damn liquidy. Oh wait…_

"Seven seconds!"

Tasuki grinned and took his tessen from the holder on his back. The others watched his actions, confused looks on their faces.

"What is he?…"

"What is that thing?"

"Lekka shien," Tasuki said and waved the tessen at the testicles. They were immediately fried to a crisp. 

"Four seconds!"

Now that they were cooked Tasuki easily ate them down before the time ran out.

"Hey! He cheated!" yelled the woman.

Joe brought out a rules book and flipped through it. "I don't know…he didn't leave the table…fire fire, nothing about fire…"

"Waa haa haa! I got through this round so there!" Tasuki said gleefully. "That was pretty easy!"

Joe, not finding any rule against flaming food with fans, stood up and gave his congratulations to the remaining three contestants. "Now that you passed this test it's on to the next test!"

"Which is?" Tasuki asked smugly.

"You each will be submerged in icy cold water with twenty killer sharks, which will be enraged by a drop of blood from my finger, for fifteen minutes!" Joe explained cheerfully.

Tasuki's eye twitched and he skipped the green shades and went straight to the ashen gray death look. He got up quickly from the table. "I uhh just remembered that I have to go and fry Tamahome, yeah…bye!" 

The remote flashed and Tasuki was off again…

*I just keep picking on Tasuki. Poor poor Tasuki.

Tasuki: Then stop doing it!

Too bad! The readers like this! And I can't disappoint them, now can I?

Tasuki: Humph, well, at least you're running out of shows.

Wee hee hee, I still have one last doozy up my sleeve!

Tasuki: Oh…god…not that! 

(A very evil grin spreads over my face and Tasuki begins to sob…) 


	6. Deadly Purple

Disclaimer: I know, I know…I don't own the Fushigi Yugi story, or Konan, or…(sob) my favourite monk and bandit (sob sob). Don't worry, I'll be alright…one day :P

Aww it's a sad thing now because this is the last channel that Tasuki will visit (as mentioned in the last chapter)

Tasuki: About fuckin' time!

But not the last chapter.

Tasuki: What?!? Fuck!!!

Bwa ha ha ha…oh how I love being so evil :)

Tasuki and the TV

As his vision cleared Tasuki had to hold onto his stomach to keep from throwing up. The last channel change had shook him around a bit and now the sheep testicles were causing some major mayhem. _This is gonna hurt me tomorrow, _Tasuki thought as he carefully breathed in and out trying to get some control over the rumbling. _Where the fuck did that fuckin' thing take me to this time? _The room he was in was decorated in the weirdest manner. Hearts and rainbows and cuddly little animals adorned the walls and there were brightly coloured objects of some foreign material scattered all over the floor. The carpet Tasuki was sitting on had even more hearts on it and was pink in colour. The urge to vomit washed over him again and he fought it down with all his might. All of this sickening sweetness was disgusting! 

Tasuki slowly got to his feet and began dusting himself off only to realize that his clothing had changed again. _Dammit! I hate this fucking shit! _He was now wearing a white and blue stripped shirt with a small bear on its chest, and ribbed cotton pants, which made weird noises when he moved his legs together. Panic began to surge over him upon seeing that his pants didn't have pockets. _Where's the remote?! Shit, I can't get back without it! _He frantically looked around the room and suddenly stopped as he noticed his reflection in the mirror. _What?! I look like I'm fuckin' five years old! _True enough, Tasuki was the height of a five year old, the build of a five year old, and had the mouth of an eighteen year old bandit. 

"This is worse than that Tasukimon thing," he cried in a tiny five-year-old voice. His hair stuck up in odd angles and he saw that his fangs had even shrunken to small stubs. He was even missing one of his front teeth! 

"Ahhhhh!!!" he shrieked. 

__

I have to get out of here before I go totally nuts! Tasuki went over to a coat rack and began searching through it for the remote. He managed to find some chewed gum, a ball, some rocks, and a frog but nothing of use. He felt a sob coming up his throat but swallowed it down with rage. _I will not cry! That's something babies do! I will not cry! _He told himself mentally. He collapsed on the rug in frustration. 

"I want my mommy!" he cried, unable to hold it in any longer, and his thumb went into his mouth. He sat there for about ten minutes before finally snapping out of it. 

"What the fuck am I doing?!? I'm eighteen fucking years old! Not some little brat who sucks his thumb!" he said in disgust. 

Suddenly there came sounds of laughter from behind the only door in the room. _Uh oh, someone's coming! _Tasuki got up and tried to hide but the door was thrown open just as he was crossing the center of the room. About ten other kids, around Tasuki's current age, came in with giggles and laughs and they were all singing an annoying song.

"Farmer Brown he had a dog and Bingo was his name-o! B, I, N, G, O…B, I, N, G, O…B, I, N, G, O…and Bingo was his name-o!" they all chanted as they skipped into a circle that surrounded Tasuki. One of the kids noticed him.

"Hey look! It's our friend Tasuki!"

"I'm not your fri…" Tasuki tried but was cut off.

"It's his first day here with us! Let's give him a big welcome hug!"

"Wha…NO NO NO NO!!!!" Tasuki screamed as they all swarmed in and smothered him. "Ack!! Ack!!!" he tried to breathe. Finally they let go and dropped him on the rug with a thump. Tasuki gasped in huge breaths and skidded back away from them. _Shit! More fuckin' psychos! _

"Look what I have!" cried one of the kids, and held up a purple stuffed creature that Tasuki couldn't identify. The little girl placed it on a chair and all of the other kids began skipping around it. 

"Maybe if we're happy enough our friend will come and play with us!" one of them cried.

"Yes, yes! We must be happy!" they chanted along.

There was a big flash of purple and sparkles and the toy suddenly grew and became alive. Tasuki's mouth dropped open as he stared up at it.

"Hoi hoi hoi," it laughed and jumped up and down.

"Yay! It's Barney!" the children cried. They all went in and hugged it around its huge stomach.

"Hello boys and girls! My it's so wonderful to have so many friends!" Barney said giddily. His beady eyes turned to Tasuki. "But what's this? Someone isn't happy to see me!"

"Oh that's our little friend Tasuki," explained a boy.

"I'm not little!"

"It's his first day here, Barney!" they cried.

"Oh well, in that case, he probably needs a big dinosaur hug!" Barney laughed and advanced on Tasuki. The blood drained from Tasuki's face and he tried to scramble to his feet.

"Stay away from m…ack!" he cried as Barney picked him up and squeezed.

"Hoi hoi hoi," it laughed.

"Put me down!" Tasuki said, his voice slightly muffled since his mouth was pressed against Barney's purple chest.

Barney placed Tasuki back on the rug and motioned for the others to join him. "I know what would make little Tasuki happy!"

"I'm not little and I'm fucking wonderful!!" Tasuki yelled at them, but was ignored.

"We should sing a song!"

Two kids grabbed Tasuki's hands and they all formed a circle.

"What song should we sing?" one cried happily.

"I know! How about the Hokie Pokie!"

"Yay, yay!" they all cheered. 

"Okay then everyone sing!" ordered Barney. "You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, you put your left foot in then shake it all about."

Everyone shook their feet, except for Tasuki. 

"You do the Hokie Pokie and you turn yourself about, that's what it's all about!"

"Uh oh. Tasuki's not singing!" a kid told Barney.

"Hoi hoi hoi, well maybe he needs another dinosaur hug!" Barney cried and came at Tasuki.

"NO NO I'LL SING!!! JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME!!" Tasuki cried, cowering behind another boy.

"Yay!! Sing Tasuki!" the kids shrieked.

"Uhh…you put your…right foot in?" Tasuki began, not knowing how the song went. However the kids obeyed what he said and he relaxed a little. "You put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and shake it all about." Tasuki gently shook his foot. The children giggled and followed his moves.

"Umm, you do the Hokie Pokie and you turn yourself about," Tasuki turned around in a circle. "That's what it's all about."

"Yay, yay! Let's do another song!" a girl cried.

"Hoi hoi hoi, hold on for a moment! I think someone special is coming!" said Barney.

"Who who?" they asked, excited.

The door was thrown open and another creature like Barney entered. 

"Yay! It's Baby Bop!" the kids cried. They ran over to the smaller, green dinosaur and hugged it.

"Hee hee! It's all my friends!" Baby Bop said happily. She noticed Tasuki sitting grumpily on the floor. "Oh how cute!!!"

"Oh shit…ack!" Tasuki yelped as Baby Bop picked him up and hugged him.

"He's so cute Barney! Can I keep him?" Baby Bop asked.

"Hoi hoi hoi, he's not a toy Baby Bop," Barney explained. Tasuki sobbed internally and tried in vain to escape the creature's grasp.

"Okay, then he'll be my special friend!"

"I don't wanna, you ugly fuckin' creature!!!" Tasuki yelled.

"Ohhh, let's put on makeup!" Baby Bop said.

Tasuki's howl shook the building. He began kicking his legs and wiggling with all his might. _There's no fucking way I'm letting this thing put makeup on me!!! _He bit down on Baby Bop's arm and she dropped him with a cry.

"Owie!! Barney, he bit me!"

Barney tutted and shook his head before picking up Tasuki and placing him on a chair in one courner of the room. 

"You've been bad so you are on a time out, little boy."

"I'm not little you freak!!!"

"Now you stay in that chair," Barney said, ignoring Tasuki. "Or else I'll give you another big dinosaur hug!" Tasuki shut up and obediently faced the wall. Barney went back to the others and Tasuki began planning out his escape. The door was a good bet except that he still didn't have the remote to get back home. Suddenly he noticed a little yellow box with his name on it. Tasuki carefully looked to Barney and Baby Bop and found that they were busy with another song. _It's now or never, _Tasuki thought and slowly crept along the wall over to the box. He made it there without them noticing and began rooting through it. Inside were some plastic horses, a red stuffed chicken, fake jewelry, a paper fan, and…the remote. Tasuki held it up with a successful ha! That turned out to be a bad idea though because it got Barney's attention. 

"Uh oh, little Tasuki didn't stay in his chair!"

"I'M NOT LITTLE!" screamed Tasuki as the dinosaur advanced, planning to give Tasuki another big hug. Tasuki bolted for the door but found that his legs were too short to use his senshi speed. Barney was gaining. _Shit! Gotta move, gotta move!!! _He ran through the door and out into a courtyard. He headed for a gigantic wooden thing in its center and hid behind one of the posts. _I can't stay here anymore! I'll flip, _he thought as he stared at the remote. _How the fuck am I gonna get home? _His eyes fell on the power button. _Wait…this shit started when I turned on the TV, maybe if I turn it off I'll be back home._

"Or I might just disappear," he said, uncertain of what the power button would do. Suddenly there came a vibration in the ground. "What the…" Tasuki said looking over at a nearby puddle. The ground shook again and small ripples formed in the water. The ripples increased as the vibrations came, louder and seemingly closer and Tasuki turned around and looked back at the building.

"Taaasssskkkkiiii," rumbled Barney as he appeared in the doorway. "Where are you?" 

Tasuki shivered in fear as Barney came closer and closer to his hiding place.

"Hoi hoi hoi! I see you!" Barney said and ran towards Tasuki preparing to give him a huge dinosaur hug. 

Tasuki bit his lip, closed his eyes and pressed the power button… 

*Waa haa haa! I did it! I did a Barney chapter! 

Tasuki: (still shivering in fear)

It was in my plans all along for this story but you reviewers just wanted it so much I knew that I couldn't disappoint you. Wee hee hee.

Tasuki: (sobs) I did the Hokie Pokie…almost got makeup on me…was squeezed to death…

Chichiri: It's okay Tasuki no da. It's over.

Tasuki: (sniff) It is?

Bwa ha ha ha, or is it?

Tasuki: (begins sobbing again)


	7. Dreams Come True

Disclaimer: I don't own shit, yep, that's right! I'm admitting that I don't own a certain monk or a certain bandit or…or (sob sob!!!) I can't take it anymore! Just get on with the story…

Yeah so, this is the LAST chapter to my story.

Tasuki: Thank Suzaku!

But don't worry, I still torture him in it a little.

Tasuki: Fuck! One day I'm gonna pay you back for all of this!

(sticks out her tongue at Tasuki) Try it!

Tasuki: Fine! Let me at that computer!

If you touch it I'll make you get sucked into it, just like the TV!!!

Tasuki: (backs far far away) Che…

Wee hee hee!!! :P

Tasuki and the TV

Tasuki groaned at the pounding in his head. _What…what happened? Oh yeah! I hit the power button on the remote! _He sat up quickly and looked frantically at his surroundings. The familiar sight of his room greeted his eyes and he realized that he was in his bed in his usual nightshirt. 

"It…it was all a dream," he said slowly. A grin spread over his face and he felt like leaping for joy. "It was all just a fucking dream!!" 

He got to his feet but the pounding in his head made him sit back down. "Che, the headache is real though. Probably from that fucking nightmare that I just went through."

It took him about half an hour to finally get out of bed and struggle to put on his old clothes. Tasuki stretched lazily and wandered out into the hall. _Man, wait until the others hear about that dream. Wait…I don't want to tell them that I had to dance, was hugged by a purple creature, had a psycho nurse try to make me spank her, and had to eat sheep testicles! That'll make them laugh at me and give Tamahome something else to tease me about! Well, fuck that shit! _He thought as he headed for the sitting area of the palace. 

As he neared the room he could hear laughter coming from within. He cautiously slid open the door and saw Chichiri and Nuriko watching the TV. His first instinct was to run away as fast as he could before he got sucked in again but gave himself a mental smack and urged himself forward. _It was just a dream, just a dumb dream that was probably caused by Miaka's eggs and caramel that I had to eat last night. _At the thought of the food his stomach rumbled uneasily. 

"Good morning no da!" Chichiri called out as he noticed the bandit.

"Hey sleepyhead, we thought that you would never get up!" Nuriko said. 

"Feh, well here I am."

"Chichiri and I are done with the TV and since we know how much you like it, you can have the remote now," Nuriko told him. Chichiri handed the remote to Tasuki and Tasuki flipped it over and over in his hand. It was in perfect condition, exactly how it was when Miaka first brought it out. There was no sign of it ever being broken. _Was that part just a dream as well? _He asked himself as the other two senshi left. He shrugged and plopped down in front of the TV. The program that currently graced its screen was about some guy and his dog, which Tasuki found boring so he pressed the channel change button and suddenly Barney's grotesque, purple face filled the screen.

"There you are little Tasuki! Come give your old friend Barney a BIG dinosaur hug!!!! Hoi hoi hoi!!!!"

Tasuki ran from the room screaming, all the way vowing that he would never EVER touch another television as long as he lived. 

The End…no da!!!

*Well?

Tasuki: (grumbles) Well what?

How did you like the story?

Tasuki: (gives me a cold look) Do you really want to know?

…okay, how did you guys like the story?

Chichiri: I loved it no da! You should torture Tasuki more often no da!

Nuriko: Waahaahaa!!! (still cracking up over the Tasukimon)

Awww, I know what would cheer Tasuki up!

Chichiri: What no da?

A SONG!!!

Everyone but Tasuki: You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, you put your left foot in and you shake it all about. You do the Hokie Pokie and you turn yourself about, that's what it's all about!!! (we all crack up)

Tasuki:…That's not funny…

Please review!!! :)


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